Sunday, August 16, 2015


On August 13th, I turned 24. 
Usually people are excited about their birthdays, having surprised birthday parties thrown by friends & family, going to birthday dinners, or even to a club. Not me. I spent my birthday at home watching a movie & eating a pizza. The same ritual I do every week, (which is why I don't have the abs I want but that is a completely different story.)
I had plans to spend my birthday with someone special to me but life has a way of ruining your plans. I see it as ruining but it could be "not my path" to take at that time. I keep hearing that saying in my head. "Not my path." I've gone through a lot this past year with my relationship that I have had since I was sixteen years old. This person meant the world to me, my best friend. But as we got older, they were constant obstacles thrown at us. He was constantly away because he joined the military and left for war at the age of eighteen. From then on, he's been constantly overseas or in another state during our relationship. Before he deployed last summer, a lot of shit went down and it completely broke me down. Still, I chose to support him & spend time with him in Texas before he deployed for the next nine months. During the next nine months, we would talk everyday, all day until we fell asleep trying to work out the issues between us but it just was not the same as being in front of each other, communicating face to face. Which brought on a lot of mistrust and arguments. Though we would fight a lot, we made plans to move in with each other. At first I was okay with it, I really wanted it. I mean, it was what I have been waiting for but something inside me just was not feeling right.... I felt like I could not completely let go of my feelings that I have felt before he left. I could not trust him completely, I did not feel secure, like a change would be made for me to want to commit so heavily to a relationship that has not been so stable.
I told him how I felt, at the time he seemed to understand but as soon as he got home. And I do mean AS SOON as he touched down on U.S. ground, he betrayed my trust. I could not believe it. I was shell shocked on the way he was acting towards me. I mean, I was not completely innocent either but he was not open towards what I had to say to him. He just decided to walk away. Which hurt me.... I always stayed with him whenever he did mess up. I wanted to support him because that is what you do when you love someone. But I think his ego got in the way because he did not want to listen.
I say all this because I had so many plans for myself before I turned 24. I was supposed to be moved out, on my own. We were supposed to be living together, working together to be better together. I mean I waited for this. At 24, I expected to be much further in life than I am right now. I know, I know, I'm supposed to be grateful for everything that I have right now as I'm working towards my goals but it's still gets me down when I think about it. I'm in my mid twenties, at this age I am expected to be on my own, with a degree, and a job.... And right now I feel like I have to start from scratch in every aspect of my life. I reeeeeaaallly have to push harder now to even get to the same level as everyone else my age. Knowing this is suppose to inspire me but it sometimes scare me. Will ever be successful? I had big dreams for myself: working at Vogue, living in SOHO in a condo, having a car, graduated from college, traveling to Paris, London. I had big dreams. And I sometimes feel like it's never going to happen to me... and it's scary.
I guess the fall out of my relationship with someone so close to me has made me hesitant to commit to anything else because of the possibility of failure. But I KNOW I have to push passed it. There are things that I want for myself that only I can give myself.
I want to be fit (strong body & mind), a degree, good paying job, loving/honest partner.
And it all starts with me!
So if any of you guys are feeling like me, we are in this together!!! We have got to stay strong and keep going!!
This last year was horrible but I really got to make my 24th year better than ever. I have to reach my goals, & stay focused.